If you know someone who is being abused

[Done-With-It!]

If you know someone who is being abused, you can help her by showing you care. Let her speak confidentially about her situation and without judgment. You may be the only person with whom she feels comfortable. Show you care in these ways:

• Listen to her.
• Believe her.
• Do not minimize her struggle.
• Do not judge her.
• Do not blame her.
• Assure her that she is not responsible for the abuse.
• Tell her it's not her fault. You can never make someone else hurt you.

• Give her Alabama's toll-free crisis line number for domestic violence victims.
• Direct her to resources in her community for victims of domestic violence.
• Let her keep important papers and extra clothes at your house.
• Help when you can with transportation, child care, groceries.

Tell her she deserves to be safe. Physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable. Remind her that no one deserves to be beaten.
Help her learn not to deny or minimize the abuse. If she says, "It's really not that bad," tell her it is serious.
Assure your friend that violence in her home does concern you. There is no excuse for abuse. No one deserves to be abused. Domestic violence is a crime.

How do I know if my friend is being abused?

• Have you seen evidence of injuries?
• Have you accepted her explanations for her black eyes, bruises or broken bones?
• Does she miss work frequently?
• Does her partner show an unusual amount of control over her life?
• Have you noticed changes in her or her children's behavior?
• Does her partner embarrass or ridicule her in public?
• Does her partner blame her for the way he acts or the things he says?

Common Myths about Domestic Violence
A friend's perspective Why should I get involved in her problem--isn't it just a family matter?
Domestic violence is not just a family problem, it is a crime.
It can't really be that bad.
Domestic violence is that bad. It is the single most common source of injury to women, more common than automobile accidents, muggings, and rape by a stranger combined. It increases in severity and frequency over time. It is estimated that over 2 million American women are beaten in their homes each year. It is a crime.
That doesn't happen in my neighborhood.
Domestic violence occurs among all races, ages, religions and socio-economic levels. No state, no city, no community and no neighborhood is immune.
She must be provoking him.
She is a victim and is not to blame. No one deserves to be beaten. The abuser chooses to abuse her to maintain power and control in the relationship.
If it's so bad, why doesn't she just leave?
Any relationship can be difficult to end. She may be financially dependent or have limited job skills. Religious, cultural or family pressures may keep her in the marriage. She may have tried to leave and he stopped her; he may have threatened to take the children from her, or harm her more if she leaves him. Over 75 percent of women are killed after they leave an abusive partner.
I know him--he seems like a nice guy.
Many abusers are not violent in other relationships. They even can appear 'charming' to outsiders. However, this does not indicate the kind of person he is behind closed doors. Believe her.
He has a drinking problem. May be if he just got help for it, he'd stop abusing her.
Alcohol and drug use many intensify violent behavior, but it does not cause battering. Men are abusive with and without alcohol and drugs. Abusers want all the power and control in the relationship and that is their motivation; not the substances they use or abuse.
If she wanted my help, she'd ask for it.
Your friend may not feel comfortable revealing her situation to you. She may be embarrassed or humiliated.
She seems distant. I don't know if we're still friends.
Women in violent homes are often isolated from friends and family by their abusers. The abuser wants total control and does not want her talking to others. It is important to continue to reach out to her, and let her know you care.
Adapted from the National Woman Abuse Prevention program.

[Done-With-It!]

The most common question asked about domestic violence victims is
"Why does she stay?"
The question shows the misunderstanding of the dynamics of domestic violence. It also reveals a tendency to blame the victim.
A more appropriate question would be:
"Why does he abuse her?" or "Why can't he be stopped from hurting his family?"
Instead, the question--"Why does she stay," --puts the responsibility back on the victim, and is often followed with the statement, "She must like it."
Women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. They do not stay because they "want to be abused." A battered woman may believe:

• His violence is temporary.
• With loyalty and love, she can make him change.
• His promises that it will "never happen again".
• It's her responsibility to keep the family together.
• There will be more good times.

She may tell herself:

• He's had a hard life.
• He needs me.
• All men are violent; it is to be expected.

She may deny or minimize the violence. She may believe her abuser when he tells her that his abuse is "her fault." Many women do not want the relationship to end; they want the violence to end.
Fear is a major factor.
Many women believe their abusers' threats. She believes he will kill her if she leaves him.
The percent of female murder victims killed by their intimate partners has remained at about 30 percent since 1976.
(Bureau of Justice Special Report:
Intimate Partner Violence, May 2000) She may fear:

• More severe abuse.
• Retaliation if he finds her.
• Destruction of her belongings or home.
• Harm to her job or reputation.
• Stalking.
• Charging her with a crime.
• Harming children, pets, family or friends.
• His committing suicide
• Court or police involvement.

At times, women may leave the relationship. She may return when he begs her to come back, or when she can not find the resources to live on her own. She may return because she loves him. The average battered woman leaves 7 to 8 times before permanently leaving a relationship.
There are many other reasons women stay in relationships. Some include:
Economics

• Few job skills.
• Limited education or work experience.
• Limited cash.
• No access to bank account.
• Fear of poverty.

Pressure from community of faith/family.

• Family expectation to stay in marriage "at any cost".
• Family denial of the violence.
• Family blame her for the violence.
• Religion may disapprove of divorce.
• Religious leader may tell her to "stay and pray".

Guilt/self doubt

• Guilt about failure of the relationship.
• Guilt about choosing an abuser.
• Feelings of personal incompetence.
• Concern about independence.
• Loneliness.

Concern for Children

• Abuser may charge her with 'kidnapping' or sue for custody.
• Abuser may abduct or abuse the children.
• Questions whether she can care for and support children on her own.
• Fears losing custody of her children.
• Believes children need a father.

Lack of community support

• Unaware of services available to battered women.
• Lack of adequate child care.
• Few jobs.
• Negative experiences with service providers.
• Lack of affordable housing.
• Isolated from community services.
• No support from family and friends.

Many women in abusive relationships ask these questions: Will it get better?
Studies show that over time, without intervention, abuse in the home gets more frequent and more violent.
Is it my fault?
No. Abuse is always wrong. In fact, abuse in the home is a crime. In Alabama, domestic violence has been made a separate crime under the criminal code. The victim is never to blame. There is no excuse for domestic violence.
Can I fix it?
No. Only the abuser can stop his violent behavior. Qualified batterer intervention programs may provide knowledge and skills to stop his violent behavior, but only the abuser can decide whether he will use them or not.
Will Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous keep him from hitting me?
No. While your partner may need treatment for alcohol or drug abuse, the abusive behavior can continue even if he becomes sober or stops abusing drugs. It is recommended that an abuser get treated for his violence in a specialized intervention program, as well as for drug and alcohol abuse through substance abuse programs.
What can I do?
Take care of yourself by asking for help. Call Alabama's domestic violence crisis line at 1-800-650-6522 for information on how to be safe. You will be put in touch with the domestic violence shelter program nearest you. We care. We will listen. Remember:
No one deserves to be abused.