Life..

[Endorphin]

Well heres the thing, my life has become just..dead i have no friends no life really..ever since i went sober and stopped gang banging, and hustling. now this doesn't mean my friends all deserted me the second i stopped all of this, most of them still talk to me etc but i just can't hang out with anyone or connect really anymore..i stay home almost all day i get out once and awhile and go to my neighbors house but shes not always there and yea i could go out make new friends but i dont want to at least not anyone that would be of benefit to be friends with..i like things to never be the same it drives me crazy. i feel like im locked up with benefits(t.v good food etc)

being sober makes me feel worse and worse..and now that i have gotten out of the game to say, what am i suposed to do go back tos chool? omfg why i hate school i know so much without it. theres no motivation to go to school, for money? why..i can get money money isn't a issue. so why else? to enhance my knowledge cause i can't know everything? well i know what i want to know and i learn what i need to learn. hell unless you went to collage and did good. i prolly know more then you. and if i don't and needed to i could learn things fast..i learned to hack like a pro in 2years with other things on the side. i could work for companys testing security but why..that doesn't interest me..nothing does i just wanna live life maybe i need a job that might just..clear the air but i can't get a job because of what i have done in my life..dropping out of school etc. if i dont have the motivation to do something i can never really do it..so if i want to school just to finish and have that part of my life finally end. i doubt i could really apply my self to do it right and do the work etc which scares me..because further in life i will regret all of this. i am young i have some time to get thru these things and be able to benefit from my actions, but..i just..can't.

I know whats what, i guess im pretty much at war with my self everyday..i have this attitude that i know more then everyone that im better..and thats what helps me stay on top. if u think theres a chance someones better then you then you've already lost.

I WANT TO BE INFAMOUS!! i want to be able to make things happen that change lives. i dont want to be famous.

am i overthinking my life? is it my fault i analyze situtions to the T? thats another thing i do to much..i just sit down and play out actions and assume and predict everything. and usually whats sad is im almost always dead on. ..how can life be this predictable? where is the fun in any of this, i would die just to see whats next..because all of this is nothing Nothing.

i hate being broke..i dont wanna quit smoking but now im mad because i have no money to even buy anything LIKE WTF?! all this is just telling me one thing. go back to the streets live life how you dreamed. Yes thats right my one dream is to be infamous on the streets weather i have to die for it or not. ive always wanted to be the person that gets the job done or is the go to guy for anything. thats me but what do i have now? why come to me now i have nothing to benefit anyone.

All this crap is what happens when i sit and think for a minute or two. now think of all these thoughts talking to you all day and night forever~ Soberness seems..uninviting. im thinking long and hard about going unsober i mean..if i stay away from all things but bud am i really doing any harm? i mean i don't SI anymore(which is really what i came here about) i dont smoke meth anymore either and have no interest in it anymore. i never really gangbanged per say. i was just usually the main connection for lots of people. with that said..what is there to stay away from? im not posting this because im unsure or anything im posting this just in case..ya know? most of what i typed was kinda just rantin rambling crap. but hey ain't all my posts like that?

Speaking of posts..thats another thing the way i talk on forums is different then real life a little. i noticed that in SV i got a feeling people were kinda idk about how i type. just because i might say words different spell them different add faces etc doesn't mean anything. its just how i type if i wanted to i could talk like everyone else but then..that would really blow.

[Chy]

Awww kid you make me smile every day, you really do as I never know what to expect when I read your stuff. I know being sober and clean right now really suck! I remember that feeling well. I was okay I'm sober now, now what? What do I do next? What's supposed to happen now that makes me happy as I can't be happy without the drink, I don't feel good about myself, I don't feel high, I can't be brave and say what I want without the drink.... it took time E.

The longer I stayed sober, the more I learned how to do it, what to do, what I was meant to do, how to get it. You want all the answers now like I did and it was painful to the point of being like you with those thoughts oh "screw it this ain't worth it, so what if I die young"..... but I promise it's worth it.

You're in the early pre planning confused stage... it's normal. You are a smart kid, very smart, highly intelligent, so take your talents and do something with them. Start your own website, build something that will be of some value to you and others, you got the talent. Keep your mind busy working toward the goals you begin to see you want to have. If you stay sober I know your life is going to have an enormous impact on others some day, what greater way to be infamous? Maybe you could be a big brother to someone in need of help, I could see you doing that. Helping others is a wonderful gift and joy to be able to do. I think you'll be infamous if not famous some day E... for some reason I've always felt if you could stay alive that was your destiny and my intuition is right nearly all the time on people.

I just said good bye to one of my favorite students who could go to Harvard or Yale if he wanted right now on full scholorship.... and you know where he's headed? To Hollywood as that's his passion and ya know what, he's gonna make it, I know this in my heart.

Find your passion E... make it happen.