falling right into abuse hell

[ac2]

Hello, everyone. I know I haven't met any of you, yet, but I have found myself in the worst case of seemingly unescapable depression I have ever fallen into.

I suppose for anyone to truly understand why I feel this way, I will have to explain my situation. For about ten years or so, now, at least as far as I can remember, my parents have abused me, both verbally and sometimes physically. I live in mortal fear of my father returning home from work because I know it is inevitable that he will find something I have done wrong, and punish me severely for it. I also am currently in an over the internet relationship with a boy named Kenny. He lives in Illinois, about ten hours away from me. Just recently, about two weeks ago, he was able to come up and spend a few days with me at my home.

This was wonderful, though extremely painful when the day came that I had to say goodbye, when he returned home. This being said, as soon as I was back at my house with my family, my father began ripping at me for everything he had seen me do wrong when my boyfriend was here. (For my fellow parentally abused teens, you know how your parents will put on a happy face when company is around) Now, I am also homeschooled, which means I get no escape from this. Every day I am stuck under the scornful watch of my mother, as she works from home, except for the rare occassions that she goes out to spend the night at a friend's house. Lately, well, ever since my boyfriend went home, my parents have been coming down on me harder and harder. (I have to suspect that this is because the drive to get my boyfriend and take him home cost us about two hundred dollars in gas all around, but this was supposed to be my combined Christmas and birthday present) My boyfriend has also been acting strangely since the trip was over. Usually, Kenny is a very sensitive and sweet boy, and he takes care of me, because he knows my parents are abusive.

But lately, he has been distant, more absorbed with talking to his friends. We have barely spoken in the past week, and because he is one of the few people who knows about my parents and my mental and emotional problems, and he has not been there for me, I have begun to have fits of panic on a daily basis. He assures me I overreact at his actions and that I am taking my stress out on him, but what happened last night proved to me that it is not I that is the problem.

Like I said earlier, our relationship is mostly over the internet, for the time being. This being the case, the only way we really get to talk is over IM and over the phone. Now, if you are in a long-term over the internet relationship, you know the difference between hearing your mate talk to you over the phone rather than type out text on an instant messenger. To me, it makes a huge difference to hear my boyfriend's voice when I am on the brink of snapping. He knows this, he knows how happy it makes me to hear him talk. However, lately, he has been avoiding talking to me on the phone altogether for the last five or six days.

Usually this wouldn't be so much of an issue, but as my parents have been being harder on me than usual, I have had higher stress levels and have slipped in and out of severe depression for the past week or so. Anyway, back to the point. So, last night, I was talking to him over the instant messenger, like we usually do. However, it is also our routine to log off around nine at night and talk on the phone until ten thirty, when we both have to be in bed. When I asked him if I could call at nine, he said later. Fair enough, I thought; it's the weekend, he has people to talk to. Well, come nine forty five, I was beginning to slip into another dark place, and it had been a while since I heard my boyfriend's voice, and I was beginning to feel cut off from him.

Thinking he would have had enough time to talk to his other friends, I asked if I could call him, now. Later, he said, again. Well, he knows I'm not supposed to be online after nine, no matter what day of the week it was. I was already cutting a very thin string by staying online as late as I was to speak to him. So, I asked him why I couldn't call. His response was that he didn't feel like talking on the phone at all tonight, though we hadn't spoke on the phone for three nights beforehand, because he had either been busy, or his phone was lost, or so he says. Feeling a little hurt at this point, I explained to him that I needed to hear his voice, because I was feeling very alone and depressed to the point that I was fighting urges to cut myself.

I explained that all I really needed was for him to call me to tell me he loved me, so I could hear it, instead of reading it on the screen. Again he refused. At this point, I'm holding back violent tears. Why wouldn't he do something so small for me? I didn't understand. I still don't, really. Well, after a night of hell and screaming and crying and pleading for him to talk to me, he finally told me what his reasoning was for not talking to me on the phone. He told me the reason he didn't want to, was because about a week and a half ago, I accidentally let out a screaming fit at him.

Usually I can control this, because usually he is trying to make an effort to help me feel better, but this time I snapped. Well, apparently this has made him afraid to speak to me on the phone, because he doesn't want to get yelled at, though I apologized over and over that night for what had happened, and pleaded hI'm not to be upset. At the time, he said he understood. So now I am at a dead end. When I am open about my true life at home with him, and tell him what happens to me, it seems to bite me in the ass, and he takes my frustration for my home life as taking it out on him. But when I don't tell him for a while, and later he finds out I've been holding back, he gets angry that I haven't told him what's going on. Now, I don't want to lose him.

We have been together for five years, and usually he is a wonderful boyfriend. But I am stuck. I have no outlet for my pain, and I fear it will manifest into something that it shouldn't. So, here I am, asking a group of people I don't know for advice. Please respond, as I am very alone, and could use a friend.

[Hopefloats]

Hi ac2. I am sure that others here that have experienced the same thing as you will be along to chat with you.

I know that relationships can be hard, and that can be very painful, especially when we feel misunderstood. I think your boyfriend is worried about your outbursts, from what you said, and probably is at odds in handling this, at this time. It sounds as though he is having a hard time communicating his feelings to you, so therefore he is avoiding the issue. And sometimes without meaning to hurt anyone, people are not always able to help, or they don't have the right thing to say. Of course that is where therapy could help you so much. Would your parents allow you to go, or are you already going?

Listen, I am not an expert but I would like to tell you that if you can, take a DEEP breath and see if you can find a place where you can calmly write your feelings out, and then see if you can ask your boyfriend if he could find a time, so that you both can talk and see about getting on the same page. This does not mean that he does not care about you, it is just that when we pursue someone because we really, really NEED them, and they, at the time are not emotionally equipped to help us at the time, then they run in the other direction, because they don't know what to do.

We all get tired in relationships. Sometimes a break is a very HEALTHY thing to do. And giving someone time so that they can catch their breath, is "for" them, but not necessarily "against" you, if that makes sense to you. We may tend to feel desperate when we are upset and it IS hard to control our emotions. But that is something that can be worked on. Most of all, I am very sorry that you are hurting right now. What tools have you been given to help you out so that you do not cut?

[Chy]

I'm very sorry you are hurting to ac. But Hopefloats has some very sage advise and pretty much said what I would say as well. He may be overwhelmed and not sure how to handle the outburst so this is something you need to talk over and assure him it was not about him. You've been together for a long time so he obviously is very fond of you. Relationships are hard and communicating ones feelings to the other especially online can often be misunderstood. Absence does make the heart grow fonder so if he is indicating to you he needs a little space then let him have it. If he is the one and meant to be he'll be back.

You sound like a very well educated and balanced person so find your inner strength to take care of you in times when you feel alone. Allow these times times for you to explore your own interests and hobbies and passions. We can get so enmeshed in a relationship it's very easy to forget to take care of ourselves and sometimes we just don't know how. So find those other outlets for yourself.

If you are feeling terribly alone and depressed then do give it some thought about speaking to a counselor. Since you are home schooled it is hard but there must be someone available to you you can turn to. Abusive parents are not a healthy way to grow up and you need to be able to work through the feelings and emotions so you can continue to learn how to cope with these things in a healthy way. I do feel your pain and just know we are here listening. *big hugs kiddo*