Confused about this

[BM <3]

Last night I got a feeling that I haven't felt in a long long time.
I was just sitting in the living room next to my mom and all of a sudden got so angry and I have no idea why.
I wanted to hurt someone or something.
I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to cause pain, damage.
I later felt that again when I was alone in bed. I didn't know what to do so I ended up hitting myself a few times which will turn into big nasty bruises as I bruise really easily.
Does anyone else ever feel like this?
I feel like a freak. I have no idea what brought on this intense anger. I don't know if it was because I was suddenly so mad at my situation or if it was something else I haven't realized yet.
I don't know what to do.

[Done-With-It!]

Originally Posted by Brittany-Marie

Last night I got a feeling that I haven't felt in a long long time.
I was just sitting in the living room next to my mom and all of a sudden got so angry and I have no idea why.
I wanted to hurt someone or something.
I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to cause pain, damage.
I later felt that again when I was alone in bed. I didn't know what to do so I ended up hitting myself a few times which will turn into big nasty bruises as I bruise really easily.
Does anyone else ever feel like this?
I feel like a freak. I have no idea what brought on this intense anger. I don't know if it was because I was suddenly so mad at my situation or if it was something else I haven't realized yet.
I don't know what to do.

Maybe try journaling, or start a blog, a private one. Even if you have nothing to say, just write..... or do some kind of art, but I think journaling definitely will help. There is this book called The Artists Way, it is supposedly for Artists but I believe it should be for everyone.
She has everyone do what is called The Morning Pages, which is to just write 3 pages every day. And when I used to do that, the difference was amazing... She says it does not matter what you write, you can write the sky is blue, there are lines on this paper, the point it to write.
We get so much trapped in our heads it can make us go crazy, I personally believe.

My best therapists have had me journal, lol, and even made me bring it in to make sure I was really doing it. And it always makes a huge difference.

And to answer to your question, YES, I have gotten that way....

When I do I want to hurt myself, no matter who or what I am angry at I feel like cutting or hurting myself... Get out of the habit now.... of hitting yourself or even thinking about it. Ask Amanda or any other self harmer on here, you will regret it as much the day you ever picked up a drink.
It is addicting in a different way that drinking is, and in a different way migh be harder to break because you will justify to yourself that you are not hurting anyone.... Stop now.... Write or do anything else instead....

[BM <3]

Yeah I do write. Nearly everyday. The only time I don't write is when I am too exhausted and need to sleep straight away.
I don't find that it helps a GREAT deal, but it does help a bit.

[Done-With-It!]

Originally Posted by Brittany-Marie

Yeah I do write. Nearly everyday. The only time I don't write is when I am too exhausted and need to sleep straight away.
I don't find that it helps a GREAT deal, but it does help a bit.

How about kickboxing then?

I forgot to ask, do you know/think this could be triggered by something?

[BM <3]

I don't think I would have the energy to do kickboxing right now. I can't even get myself out of bed everyday.
I've given up my morning exercises cos I'm just too exhausted.
I have no idea what's causing it. I think I'm just really frustrated with what's going on and I feel totally helpless cos I can't do anything until the doctors know what's going on.

[Done-With-It!]

Originally Posted by Brittany-Marie

I don't think I would have the energy to do kickboxing right now. I can't even get myself out of bed everyday.
I've given up my morning exercises cos I'm just too exhausted.
I have no idea what's causing it. I think I'm just really frustrated with what's going on and I feel totally helpless cos I can't do anything until the doctors know what's going on.

Yea, I hear you......

Hang in there.

How is the drinking going?

[BM <3]

Not so good.
My mom asked me the other day how I can possibly still be drinking when I am having all these liver problems. She thought that that would deter me from it but sadly, it doesn't.

I'm going through periods right now. Sometimes I won't drink as much, maybe once every 2 weeks then there will be times where I'll drink every day. Whether it's a small glass of wine, or beer, whatever. Lately I have been drinking as often as I can.
I'm just hoping I don't get back into the habit of drinking before work again.
I'm also on anti biotics for a chest infection and pills for my asthma so that can't be doing well with alcohol either..

[Done-With-It!]

She thought that that would deter me from it but sadly, it doesn't.

I remember you asking how you for sure know if you are an alcoholic.

These are the things that tell you for sure.

People who don't have a problem with alcohol would not even think of
doing that, or would not have a problem stopping.

Are you at least understanding that more now?

[BM <3]

Yes I am. But still sometimes still doubt that I am an alcoholic.
I am not getting anything out of drinking anymore. It doesn't make me feel any better and someone it makes me feel worse, but I can't stop doing it..