Wow it has been YEARS since I used this site!

[MessedUpGirl]

I just logged onto an old email account and discovered emails from this site.
I am not sure how many teens still use this forum. I used it many years ago though I will not reveal what my user name was years ago. I am not quite sure why I picked the name I have now; it was simply the first thing that came to mind as I read my read my posts from 5-6 years ago. (How could it possibly have been that long? I feel quite old)
Right now I am in college and almost 22. I am in a much better place than I was when I was 15 and using this site. However, I am still not in a great place. For years I have used the excuse “I’m too young to be an addict” and at 21 that could still very well as what would seem like a valid excuse but it is not. There is NO age limit on addiction and I am a 21 year old college student who does well in school but I am an addict and I am an alcoholic. I have been clean for three years now, haven’t touched a single drug. I was sober for two years but in the past year I have run into some trouble with that again.
If I had not gotten clean and sober when I did I would have been on the streets. For so long I blamed my drug and alcohol use on others. But it was one me. Everyone has horrible situations in their lives and believes me when I say I’ve had my fair share. God dealt me a lot that I just barely handled but I know He did it because He knew I was strong enough and all the things I have been through have made me who I am today and have made me appreciate little moment of happiness.
I’ve really messed a lot of things up in the past year. I got into a relationship with an addict, which recently ended due to the fact that she cares more about getting high than anyone else or anything. I have been there, when NOTHING matters besides the drug, where you’d practically kill your own mother to get your hands on it—so I knew there was no way she could possibly be with me but I’m in love with her and find it very difficult to let her go. I’ve been going to NA for years but mostly I stick to NA meetings and not AA because I just recently admitted to my being an alcoholic in the past few months. I believe as an addict it’s harder for me to admit to being an alcoholic because my desire for alcohol is nothing like the need I used to have for drugs.
But it is so important to try and step outside of yourself and look at what you're doing. Denial is easy, it's safe but in the end the only way we can better is to admit the truth and trust ourselves and put our faith in some kind of higher power to help us stay clean and sober. It hasn't been an easy journey for me but honestly the happiness I have had experienced in my past three years of being clean that brought me happiness like no other drug could. I am at an extremely low point in my life right now after losing the girl I love more than anything and also the first girl I've been with and the first time I've truly been in love, but I am trying to fight through that. Just know that you all have the power to get better if you want to and you fight for it.

[Hopefloats]

Thank you for this post. My daughter is the addict in my life and you ARE RIGHT. The drug will always come first in active addiction. My daughter lost her home, her husband, custody of her son and is now in prison.

PLEASE BE PROUD of all that you have done with your life. There is a chance that this girl will get clean, and the relationship may survive. But you know IF you used, then the relationship would NOT work because it would probably NOT survive the destruction of addiction.

Continue to do what you have been doing. Remember.....you are living now by example and she could very well one day SEE how happy you are, and want what you have.

I am sorry that you are hurting, but you WILL heal. NEVER compromise you and your life in the name of love. She cannot give you what you need right now, not as long as she is using. And as much as you understand what she is doing, you also know as you said, in your own words that you cannot save her.

CONGRATULATIONS on your sobriety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Another miracle, and I celebrate that!!!!!!!

Keep us posted. It is nice that you dropped back in. I hope you will stick around.

[MessedUpGirl]

I had a pretty rough life. A hell of a lot rougher than any kid deserves. I was a baby when I was here. 15/16 years old and I felt the need to take on responsibilities that I never should have. Both my parents were addicts and alcoholics, my younger brother followed down that road as well. My Mother died two years ago and both my father and brother and in jail. I grew up in government housing and I’ve seen some crap in my life. It wasn’t fair and it sucked but it made me who I am today and honestly I wouldn’t trade what I’ve been through. The best decision I EVER made was going to rehab and REALLY making myself make it useful. Because if you go there without WANTING to be there and wanting to get help it's not going to help.
I have an almost two year old daughter but because of the place I was in I put her up for adoption. (I used to date guys when I was younger it wasn’t just an random hook up or anything, her father and I remain friends) It’s an open adoption but she doesn’t live in the area but I do have contact with her and am allowed to visit her and she knows that I am her birth mother. She has become what I live for. I love her so much but she lives on the other side of the country (In LA) and I really really wish I could be with her more. But I know the life she has with her adoptive parents is so much better than the one I could have provided her with coming from a broken home. I’m going to community college on student loans with some help from my grandparents. I live with some friends now and I have a full time job. I will graduate this year with a degree in mechanical engineering.
I still go to NA meetings every day. I seriously have maybe not gone to ten meetings in the past three years. I find them to be a huge asset to staying clean. I’m proud to be able to say that despite breaking up with my girlfriend and other things. It wasn’t until I got clean that I was able to truly focus on my life. I have seen firsthand what this life style can do to you. And you are ALL so much better off getting help now because it will ruin your lives and you will push away everyone you love and care about. It happened to my mother and father and my brothers drug use has torn me apart from him. You can choose life or the drugs because you can’t have life when you’re doing drugs. And believe me when I say the drugs aren’t worth it and life without them is hard as hell but SO worth it.

[Chy]

Thanks for coming by to update us on how you are doing. I am pretty sure I remember you and so glad to see you. Congratulations on all your achievements and fighting your way out of the dark, all by yourself! I'm so very proud of you! Welcome home!

[Hopefloats]

Amen Chy