the struggles

[laxbabe8d]

hi so im not really sure how this whole thing works because im new to it but im just going to write and hopefully somebody out there understands where i am coming from...
so i am in early recovery, i had 30 days sober on June 19, 2010, May 19, 2010 was when i failed my last drug test, but wait theres a catch. at the time i took the drug test a bottle of pills had gone missing in my house and of course i was the one to come to for the blame, but i didnt take them, not that anybody actually beleived me. but anyways, i took the drug test (which they do by levels) and my levels came back 5 times the amount that they were suppose to be. BUT I DIDNT DO IT!! nobody belived so of course i had to start my days over again. anyways that just one of my problems. i deal with struggles on a daily basis... and when i say struggles im talking about things such as horrible cravings to wanting to use. so far i have been able to control these cravings but i believe that the only reason for this is because i am on probation.... i get off probation in august and honestly im kinda scared because my mom is already considereing residental placements for me because her and i and never stop fighting, we are constantly on each others backs about every little thing. at this point im actually considereing an out of home placement because i am so desperate for things to change with my mom. but another part of me is sayignt hat youor going to be 18 in March, just hold it out, everything will be okay when you turn 18... but will it? i dont know i realize that im all over the place with this and that it may not make any sense but i just needed to vent.

thanks.

[Chy]

Hello and welcome laxbabe8d!

Here you can vent away anytime. We're a long established forum but small, quaint, private so you are safe here. First off congratulations on you sobriety! I will say as to the disappearing bottle, don't let it discourage you. Often people will continue to blame us for things we didn't know as it's what they expect from us types who have addiction issues. What matters most is YOU know in your heart the truth. When we get clean and get our life back on track it takes a long time for people to believe us and trust in us again so don't let that bother you as best you can but I know it's hard when you are in fact innocent.

It sounds like your mom is a catalyst for you and am sure you love her and all that but if she's a high point of anxiety for you then I'd tend to agree a residential facility away from her may be in YOUR best interest. I know many balk at the idea but at least it would be a safe, structured and supportive environment for you to be in free of the mom anxiety. It will allow you to get you feet and confidence firmly planted on the ground. I know it may seem like the easier way to say well I'll be 18 and can deal with it myself, but life is so hard at that age when trying to get clean, when trying to find yourself when trying to figure out how to support yourself, so do the easier softer way at first. If it doesn't work out at least you tried right? I'm glad you are here and hope a little of this helped. Hugs and welcome!

[laxbabe8d]

thank you for the postive words. im trying to stay postive and tell myself that maybe it would be the best thing for me but i just feel like i would be throwing so much away if i went to a residential treatment. i mean i have a year left of school and i just got off medical leave from work... i dont know... i guess its something that i just need to think about, A LOT.