Relapse

[*silenced*]

Im really dissapointed in myself because I used heroin again after things were getting better.
Some really scary, horrible things happened and I paniked and ran. Im back at home now, but I spent a few nights on the streets again.
I cant beleive I let things ruin all my hard work.
Im sorry that I used, you guys have all helped me so much and Ive really let you and myself down.

[Dan]

We don't become addicts and alcoholics overnight.
Or in a week, or a month, even.
We put in some serious time and effort in becoming people for which abuse of drugs becomes a normal reaction to events.
I know I need to keep that in mind, every day.
I also need to remember that no matter how cocky I become, how absolutely sure that my head is on straight, I can, in the blink of an eye, let my thinking get away and all of a sudden justify another drink or hit.
I'll not remember I was almost dead the last time.
If I let it.

It's a lot of work, personal, intense inner work, to stay clean and sober.
And most of us don't get it the first, second, or third attempt. That's not what really matters though. What matters is that you keep trying.
The more I tried, the more I became honest.
And the more honest I become, the less likely I am to forget I was almost dead the last time.

Welcome back,*silenced*

[Kellie]

Hi Honey.
You know what? The fact that you came back in here and shared what happened tells me that you are doing better than you were before.
You can stop right here, right now. Chalk it up to another lesson learned in the journey out of addiction. You have not let us down, like I said I feel more than ever that you can kick this addiction right back to hell.
It sucks to go back in the gutter after you have managed to climb up on to the curb. I know because it has happened to me more times than I care to remember, but like Dan said... it is crucial to my recovery that I do remember all the horrors of my addiction, it helps to ensure that I won't go back. Remember, but don't wallow there.
So stop beating yourself up, be proud of the clean time you actually have and keep on keepin' on.
YOU CAN DO THIS!

Love & Light,
your sister in recovery, Kellie

[*silenced*]

Your right and I know how dangerous this addiction is to me. I was so determined not to go like Seb did, I know this addiction kills people first hand.
Its stupid, but I so dont want to go through all that again. Just thinking about withdrawing again, I cant stand it. I just doubt myself so much.
And nothing is better than before. I guess Id hoped that getting clean would solve all my problems, but it felt so much harder.
I just dont know what Im going to do and I cant stand not doing anything. Im so angry and helpless and used and disgusted, what happened, that made me use, I had just prayed would never happen again. I just wonder how someone could hate someone else that much.

[Chy]

Silenced,
I've been out of town and don't have a lot of time to reply, but just know I'm sending you prayers and big hugs tonight.. I'll catch up more with you later in the week. Take care of yourself as best you can kiddo.

[Done-With-It!]

((((Silenced))))

How are you doing today sweetie? Try not to focus on the slip, that's all it was a slip. Keep moving forward you are doing so well!

[*silenced*]

Im ok, still using though. Its like now Ive started again, I just cant stop. Id almost forgotten it and its like the addiction has just flooded back. And the thing is, I dont want to stop again. And I should.

[Kellie]

I don't know what to say... just sending prayers your way.

[Chy]

Please stop. Just try it again. It will only take you out to further depths of dispair. We've got a lot of experiance that says so. Whatever your decision, your family here will love you.

[Kellie]

It is there for you when you are ready to have it...

[Done-With-It!]

If you stop now, it will be that much easier. You can do this sweetie you can. Are you back at home? Did you find someplace else to live yet?

[*silenced*]

Im back at home yeh. Nope, I cant move yet. Simon says I cant stay at his as long as Im using heroin, and I really dont blame him, he's clean and me being there and using is too much to ask. I guess this should make me trry even harder to get clean.
I guess Im stalling a bit. The last two times, I wanted to give up, I was determined that things were going to get better. But I dont want it anymore, I know things arnt going to get any better.
Thanks everyone.

[Done-With-It!]

Originally Posted by *silenced*

Im back at home yeh. Nope, I cant move yet. Simon says I cant stay at his as long as Im using heroin, and I really dont blame him, he's clean and me being there and using is too much to ask. I guess this should make me trry even harder to get clean.
I guess Im stalling a bit. The last two times, I wanted to give up, I was determined that things were going to get better. But I dont want it anymore, I know things arnt going to get any better.
Thanks everyone.

It's all in how you look at it.

Everything for me 'IS NOT' better because I stopped doing meth. Sometimes is worse.

I crave every single day and I don't know if it will ever stop, but
I can look at

5 things that are worse since I stopped

5 things that are the same since I've stopped

or

5 things that are better since I've stopped.

I really have to focus on looking at the better, when the other thinking
starts that gets me in trouble.


It's not easy to stay off the drugs, you have to work at it all the time.
Did you ever go check out meetings? think about getting a sponsor?
counselor? Without my counselors helping me right now, I would
never have made it this far.

You can stop doing the heroin anytime you want and you CAN make your
life better. When you are ready to do that you will. Belive me, I promise you
that you can do it.

[Dan]

Originally Posted by Done-With-It!

I crave every single day and I don't know if it will ever stop, but
I can look at

5 things that are worse since I stopped

5 things that are the same since I've stopped

or

5 things that are better since I've stopped.

I really have to focus on looking at the better, when the other thinking
starts that gets me in trouble.

There's always a positive, no matter how small, in not using.
Thanks for the reminder, DWI

[Chy]

VERY good reminder!

[*silenced*]

Thanks, I tried to think about some positive things about quitting heroin for good today, and I came up with way more things than when I thought about not quitting. In fact, I only really came up with one good things about not quitting and that was that I can block stuff out, forget and escape. But I suppose it wont work forever. And Im realising again what kind of world this is, in such a short space of time after relapsing, Im already doing things I regret so much, things that I promised I wouldnt do again, that could be very dangerous and that are such horrible things, that I dont want to do, it just shows how desperate you become.
If I quit then, I can move out of here, away from my father and cousin, get a job, pay off my debts to dealers, go back to school, try to talk to someone about whats happened but not nessacerily taking action against either my father or my cousin (Im not there yet, I just cant) and doing normal things instead of wasting my life in darka alleys with heroin dealers and addicts and doing things I know that are wrong like stealing because Im desperate for heroin.
And yet, I just cant bring myself to take the first step and go back to the centre.

[Chy]

It is so very hard to take that first step. I was very excited when you were in treatment hoping and praying for you. You have a little foundation of what being clean is about and unfortunatly it was very painful for you. But I can't stress enough how important as hard as it is to work through that which pains you. If your not ready that's okay to but using won't help and eventually just make is all so much worth giving you MORE stuff you'll have to end up working on.

[*silenced*]

Hey guys, it occoured to me today that I havnt posted here for a while.
Just posting to say Im still around
Hows everyone?

[Kellie]

Hey You!
Bout time you checked in, good to hear from you.
I am doing really good, loving the hot weather that is happening in the desert... it agrees with me.

so how are you doing?

[Done-With-It!]

I was just wondering about you. How are you doing?