the good, the bad, and the ugly.

[laxbabe8d]

so basically im just gunna lie it all out there for ya'll and be completly and totally honest. im not sure about this whole soberity thing. like its kinda one of those things where i know i HAVE to be sober but i dont really WANT to be. im really trying because im on probation and im trying for my mom but people have told me over and over again that it has to be for me and nobody else and that im not going to be clean until i want it for myself. i see this as being true. in a way i do want it for myself but i want it for myself because other people want it for me, if that makes any sense. but i dont know. i get off probation in august and honestly i cant really see myself staying sober and i feel like if i dont that im going to let soooo many people down, people who really care about me. i dont know i guess its just something that im gonna want for myself and im not gonna be ready unitll i want it, other people can only force it on me for so long.

[2jules7]

I think thats how addictions are for a lot of us. We know everyone wants us to be clean and sober so we think we have to and after a while of thinking that we think thats what we want as well. For most of us it takes a drastic thing to happen before we realize that what we want doesnt even come close to what we need. And when that drastic thing happens, we realize that we need to become clean and sober or else those kinds of things will keep happening.
I dont wish anyone to have that bad thing (or any) to happen, which is why im really glad that you are reaching out for help and advice. But what you've heard is true, being sober and clean usually doesnt last very long if you do it for someone else, as you mentioned in another post about your dad. He got sober for you as a baby, but look at him now. Use him as your example of what could happen to you. Really think about what youre doing and how its going to effect your future and everything else.

[Hopefloats]

Hi lax, glad you dropped in
My daughter has been struggling with her addiction for years. She is now in prison. She herself could not believe that her life would ever end up this way. She too as I said struggled. She could not get clean for anyone else. Sadly though her losses were HUGE.
She lost her marriage, all of her friends, her son and well, she has not one possession left to call her own except for a few items of hers that I have.

She was told early on that she had three choices. Jail, recovery or death. I think she got it in her mind, but she never really believed it. The drugs were in charge of her life. The drugs were in charge of her thinking.

I read your post and I have great compassion for you yet I feel this sense of sadness too, because if you don't work on staying sober/clean, your life will be a mess. There is nothing good that will come. And yes, as family members we are tortured too. Addiction is a family disease and it touches everyone that loves you. I cannot tell you as a mom what this has done to me. And although I found my own recovery (al-anon) and great support for myself, as a mom, the pain is never really relieved.

I pray that you will grab ahold of your recovery, even IF you don't think right now that you want it. I hope that you will do something that will save your life even IF right now you don't feel it, or don't feel that you can get there. Miracles do happen and people DO find recovery every day.

And even if you don't feel it today, as your life goes forward with sobriety, you will feel better and you don't have to be one of those that ends up in jail, alone or even have to face death.

Blessings..
Hopefloats

[laxbabe8d]

hi, thank you so much for your responses. i really need them. they really help me keep going everyday. unfortuantly i have been through the instetutions and the jails, the only thing that i have not been through is death, even though i have put myself in situations that may cause death many times before. and to be honest death is my greatest fear. im scared to die. but for some reason i keep putting myself in positions that may cause death as an outcome. right now i am on probation for my second time and if i mess up and violate again im looking at doing 6 months, thats the last thing that i need. i mean im in school and thats going well for me and im working, the only thing that is going wrong for me is my personal life, which i guess is kinda a big deal. lol. but im actually considering going to a resdential for 4-6 months to maybe get my life straightened out because i dont know how much longer i can live at home without going insane.
thanks for your support i really need it.

[Chy]

Hi Lax,
I just read your other post to and so will reply here. First, I totally understand the wanting and not wanting to be sober. I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been sober just over 7 years now. I didn't want to get sober. Everyone wanted it for me but I was never ready. It took me 23 years of suffering with my drinking to finally want it bad enough for me, so when ready at age 43 I finally did it for me. I couldn't live that way anymore, it tore out my sense of well being, took my soul, caused me so much grief all the while I'm thinking it's the only thing that makes me happy, get's me out of myself and gives me a break from my own problems. As the years went by it took me out piece by piece. So I just found help online and haven't had a drink since. Do I think about it? Sure, but not so much anymore as life is just better without it, I found me, got my soul back, for the most part can be happy without it. Not till I was sober for awhile was I able to logically see it's the only way I could live now. I have no regrets other then it took me so damn long.

I understand your concerns over work and school. But also know they will be there when you get out of residential if that's the decision you make for YOURSELF. If you are still not feeling secure, stable, uncertain about choosing sobriety, a few months is not going to do anything but give you more clarity to make that final decision, to find structure and balance and will afford you enough time to see if you can find your light bulb moment for YOU and no one else. It is a hard decision, it's hard to walk away for awhile from things that are familiar to you and what you've worked hard to achieve. But trust me when I say it's not as grim as it can appear. Taking time to find yourself know will help in preventing you from future mistakes that could potentially be harmful to the rest of your life. So when the opportunity arises I always suggest to people to take the time and find yourself so you can find that peace and inner balance and acceptance of how you want to choose to live your life. *hugs*