thoughts

[2jules7]

I can feel it starting again. Everyone tells me to 'smile, it isn’t that bad.' It may not be bad now, but I know it’s going to get worse. It’s been over five years, its annoying hearing this same thing constantly. How much I want to kill myself, if I really want to so bad, why don’t I just do it? I've tried, I’ve tried so many times and nothing works. I don’t want to get help this time, I want to continue down this spiral and end up at the bottom again, end up where I will do everything in my power to follow through with the suicide. I've been living careless for months, taking every possible opportunity to get drunk or high, anything to get me out of this mindset, out of this 'life.' I don’t know what I would do, if I were to go and get help I know I couldn’t do it here. I would need to stay somewhere else for a while, and I can’t do that. I just started a college class, late nonetheless so I had to ask the instructor for permission, then to end up having to drop out? That wouldn’t look very good at all. I'm tired of feeling like I am never going to amount to anything in this world. I don’t see how I will, or why it matters that I am still here.
I don’t know, I’m sorry this is all so crazy; I just need to get what’s stuck inside my head out.

[Done-With-It!]

((Hey Jules))

On my way to work, will be back to reply just wanted to say I read this and am thinking about you.

[annihilate_me]

Juju bug! Hugs, hugs and a lot more hugs!

I'm not a psychiatrist, and we both know that, but I think possibly I could tell you why none of your attempts have been successful... I think is because subconsciously you still want to live, you don't want to cause that type of pain on your loved ones as well. Maybe you're attempting it in hopes that after you're gone, life might get just a little bit better, so in your attempt you don't put forth the actual energy to commit suicide.

You said you don't want the outside help, and that's absolutely fine; but it's good that you recognize the carelessness handling of your life. That's a big step to getting better and finding peace.

I'm not going to lie, I've found myself drinking to the point of intoxication the last couple months and drinking isn't bad, the key is moderation; but understandably you're using it as a cover, as a coping mechanism for your distress.

I'm proud that you can recognize that.

Just remember that you have a whole lots of people that think and care about you constantly! (I'm on of them, you know!)

I wrote this in hopes that maybe playing the whole psychology card will maybe make you think a little bit before the next attempt or the next drinking episode.

You're welcome to the wonderful Ohio any time! If you want, I'll even save up money for a plane ticket!

[Hopefloats]

JuJu..I don't have a lot of experience but I do know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
PLEASE call a hotline or someone you trust to talk to...
(((((You ))))))are worthy and you are needed in this world. You DO have a special place even if right this minute you don't feel that way

[2jules7]

I think you're right, about not wanting to do it because of everyone I care about. Thats how its been this entire time. And that just bothers me, I know it sounds extremly selfish, but i've waited all this time and now i'm back to where I feel like I can do it and thats holding me back.
Knowing that suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem does help. But I just dont see how it can be a temporary problem if its gone on for this long. Suicide would fix whatever problem there is. Im sorry if that sounds mean or anything, its just how i've been viewing it.
I'm too afraid to go to anyone. As far as the people I see day to day know, i'm fine. So I just let it build up until I cant take it, then I come here.

[Chy]

Sending you big hugs this morning as I'm buried at work to but will be back tonight to reply more and wanted you to know I read this and am praying for your well being!

[Bryson]

Hey Jules.

About being afraid to talk to anyone -- people judge. That's just what they do. That's human nature. But don't you think that the people who care about you and talk to you on a daily basis would rather you be alive than dead? Rather you seek help than taking your own life leaving all these loose ends? You'd leave people with all these questions, wondering what they could have done and feeling guilty that they could not help. I don't mean to guilt-trip you or anything, but really think about it, how much better could your life become by seeking help from another? After entering my so-called "therapy" I've found out a lot of stuff about myself that I didn't even realize was there and had never had the courage to talk about before. I have a few close friends who know that I go to therapy and though I don't really talk about it with them, they don't think of me any differently because they realize it's something I NEED to figure these things out. I am not weak, I am just dealing with stressful things...

From my own experience, people you hardly even know, you might just know their name and that's it, do actually NOTICE YOU. They notice how quiet you are, how kind and sweet you are, and they notice when there is a change in your mood from day to day even if you don't think so. You know the saying "actions speak louder than words", well again, from my own experience, that holds true. I know people noticed a lot of things about me and my demenor without me saying anything, but they were too afraid to approach me because they felt they hardly knew me and it was out of place for them to ask me how I was doing. That's why I had to step up and do it. It was the only way out of this mess. After getting taken from my dad and everything in my life turned upside down, people looked at me differently, sure, but mostly in a positive way. The same kids that I hardly knew actually have come out and said "Ohh...so that's why you always did _______ or ______. Now I understand." In a weird way, it was a kind of comforting to know that it was no longer my secret and that I didn't have to hide anymore. In a weird way, it was kind of comforting that these people had watched me and noticed things about me when I thought they weren't even paying attention and that I was nothing to anybody. People do care.

Now in no way am I saying that I understand what you're going through, though I can try to empathize with you. Just wanted to let you know that through my own experiences I've found out that people really do care...

[Hopefloats]

jules...Hi, I am checking in on you. I know when a problem goes on and on it does "feel" like it will never stop. I want you to know that I take you and your feelings seriously.
BUT, I promise you and these are not just words..I have known people, right in your place with those thoughts of suicide, and they didn't do it, and the amazing thing is things DID change and they DID have happiness. AND YOU WILL TOO!!

Please, please just tell yourself that although you may not feel it today, better days are coming. Again, you are a gift and you have a place here.
(((((hugs)))))
Hope

[2jules7]

Thanks Bryson for sharing that. It's come to where the more I live this carefree life, I dont care what people think. As long as I can go out and do something crazy, who cares? Its hard to see people anymore, I dont really see anyone but the usual people that I hang out with and I only go to school for two classes a day. It's just hard to see that people care, when I can't care about much myself. I'm really happy for you though, that you've gone through this whole thing, that you got out and you're doing everything you are now.

Thank you, Hope. Its that whole gift thing that makes me feel like this. I just dont have one. I see everyone around me knowing what they're going to do after they graduate, or at least being good at something that they can fall back on. I dont have that. I'm not good at anything. I've heard that everyone has a gift, but i've been trying to figure out what it is, and I guess I just dont have one. Hopefully those better days will come soon.

[Chy]

Hey sweety do you know what may have triggered all this? Did something happe that caused you to feel this bad again? Or i it just happen out of the blue so to speak?

[Hopefloats]

I remember always playing with words, but one day I sat down and attempted to write poetry...and from there I continued on.

I know that sometimes we cannot think of any one thing that is "our gift"...but we all have one. It may be your ability to help others. It may be your knowledge about something that will come in REALLY handy one day. Also, remember, it does not have to be one BIG thing like playing a piano or singing. It can be all of your smaller but VERY special qualities that you spread throughout as you travel in life. I bet there have been MANY times you have touched someone's heart or given something to maybe a stranger without even knowing.

We just have to know that we are ALL special. It doesn't have to be the BIG BOOM fireworks to count JUST AS much as if it were
((Hugs))

[2jules7]

Chy - I dont really know. Its just never really gone away and i've given up on trying to figure out things to stop it.

Hope - You're right. I just hate that nothing I do seems to get me anywhere. Theres people who can play piano or sing that can go make a future out of that. I just dont want to be stuck here working in the mines like everyone else. I want to be able to actually make something of myself to make it worth going through all of this.

[Chy]

Honey we all have the ability to make our dreams come true. You can choose any path you want and with hard work, dedication one day you'll achieve those goals you set for yourself. It's not always easy and doesn't happen as fast as we like it things just take time. As does our own recovery. We have ups in downs in life and in recovery it's all part of things we're meant to learn on the way at helping improve ourselves and reach for those stars. I know you'll reach for your stars Jules when ready. You're much stronger then you give yourself credit for.

[2jules7]

Thank you, I dont really know what else to say, but thanks.