The story

[naynay45619]

So I've been cutting since I have been eleven years old. When I started I dont even remember thinking that it would be a stuggle that I would still be dealing with until I was sixteen. It's turned into this big monster in the room that I keep trying to act like it doesnt exist but I know people see it. When people see the scars on my body I'm embarreseed without measure. I dont want them to think that I am crazy or that I need attension cause thats totally not how it is I just dont know how to deal with the thing that I am going through. I'm so used to people just running away from me that I think that there's something wrong with me. Why would someone want to stick around when I'm cutting myself. Maybe that's the reason I do it: becasue I'm scared of getting close to people becasue I dont want them to leave me. It's like the quote better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all but sometimes my lifes is the total oppisite of that. It's like why take a risk if I know its not gonna work out. I hook up with guys who are older than me and then leave cause I'm scared of that commitment. How am I gonna get married and I have a real life? Am i going to be doing this when I'm thirty with two kids? What am I gonna say to my little baby when they ask me where those scars on my arms came from? Sometimes I just don't even want tot hink about it.

[recoveringcutter]

i some times think of the same thing when i have a family of my own. i will have kids and they will see scars on my arms and they will ask what they are from. it will be hard for me to tell them. They may learn about cutting when they get older and are in school. my fear is when i have kids, they will start cutting. it will kill me inside. but i will try to help them in away i can..feel free to send me a message if ou ever want to talk

[2jules7]

Im kinda mixing both your posts together; I know what you mean when you say you dont know why you do it. That you hook up with older guys because they'll just leave. Im right there along with you.
Cutting makes you extremly self-couscious and it gives you those thoughts do they think i want attention? do they think im crazy? and etc. And its hard to not let those things get to you, but when they think things like that its (in my opinion) because they dont understand. They've never been there to understand why you/ we do it.
Its like scrap-bookers. Some people give them total props, because not everyone can do that. But other people will call them stupid or other harsh things. But its something they love to do and even with the judgement, they continue to do it. It takes courage, to not care what people say or think about you. If you want to walk around in a tee shirt, then you should be able to. Stopping SI doesnt happen over night, its harder than heck, but if you believe in yourself enough, you can do it. And we're here to help you through it.

[Chy]

I think you pretty much have assessed yourself correctly so the question remains why do you push people away?

[naynay45619]

Thankyou for your responces. I finally have people who know exactly how I feel. I dont feel like I"m being judged here.

[Hopefloats]

Hi naynay, WELCOME. You will get a lot of support here and no-one will judge you
Everyone can relate to what you are saying and you will receive guidance and also make some good friends.
Hope to see you again!!
Hope