I slipped.

[annihilate_me]

I just cut on my leg and arm. They're easy heals, but I wish I had the tools to go deeper. My friend, he asked me if I had spoken to Tom, which, I hadn't and that triggered it. We started talking about other things, life and whatnot and I sent him one of my blog entries. He just said he thought I needed hospitalized, that he thinks I'm not mentally stable right now, which I know I'm not. I just don't think he understands that I'm afraid to ask for the help.

[Hopefloats]

anni, you need to reach out and get the help that you need right away.
Please do not wait.
((Hugs)))

[Chy]

I do hope you get help too with this thought in mind. There's not one person on this planet that should ever be given that much power which causes us to harm ourselves.

[Bryson]

Don't you think sending him one of your blog entries was an indirect way of asking for help? Letting someone know that you need it?

Chy and Hopefloats are right. Ask for it. You've done it before, right? It's not so bad.

[2jules7]

Okay Amanda, I know you feel like you need someone to get to the help, but by sending Tom that blog, by cutting yourself, by telling us, that alone says that you DO have the strength in you to go. We're all here for you, you can get the help you need. I know what its like, I am the same way, but inside we all know that in order for things to get better WE have to work for it, we cant always rely on other people to see and help us. Maybe people do see that you need help, but they are just as afraid to ask you as you are to ask them. You're a strong, beautiful woman, Amanda, I know you can get through this. *super hugs*

[Done-With-It!]

Originally Posted by annihilate_me

I just don't think he understands that I'm afraid to ask for the help.

Whether or not he understands is not the issue. We are all afraid to do things that we force our self to do all the time. You've been doing the same thing for yourself for a long time.


What I end up seeing is that as soon as you get ready and say you are going to get help you end up not getting help. Your problems cannot be fixed or solved at the same level or consciousness consciousness that created them.

You have to make some choices as to what you want, if you don't get help cutting, and whatever else are going to end up being your temporary fix.

Until we do our own homework, get help, find out what we are carrying around inside, ditch it or learn how to deal with it, we are going to continue
looking to others or a knife, razor or anything for that external validation.

Life is going to continue to be a battle of ups and downs, people not understanding us or so we think, picking up razor blades, and us hurting ourselves until we decide to do the work and gain a healthy sense of self and accept and embrace who we are.

I know if you apply yourself and once you decide to, you can do this.
I've seen you fighting for yourself and attaining goals at a level where you
believed in yourself.

I imagine this post is going to make you mad. But I'm not sure what you are asking for with some of your posts. I don't see the girl I used to know fighting for herself anymore, or anyone who believes in herself. I see someone who has given in and refuses to fight.

I do believe the fighter in you is still there, and I hope you decide to find her soon. Until you are ready you are going to continue finding things to trigger you, things you understand that fit into your world of self destruction.
We are persuaded by what we understand, and what we understand can change or we can stay stuck.

[annihilate_me]

I've been talking to Julie, practically all night and I think I'm going to call my doctor's and set up an appointment with her tomorrow. I'm not sure what exactly to tell them because they ask for the reason of the appointment. I don't know if I should say check up or actually go in to detail or... IDK. I'm going to try and get in as soon as possible if I call. I can't make any promises, but I'm seriously contemplating it.

Chy, I know I shouldn't let someone hold so much power over me, but it's hard. It's like... I'm afraid to give myself the power of my own life.

Done... I guess your post kinda did piss me off a little bit, but I don't have a reason to be. IDK. Every word you said was right. I don't know how many times I've said I was going to get help and never did. I guess it's just the reality of it all.

[annihilate_me]

Ok, so I told my sister Saturday night, I spent the night with her. She in turn, came down and helped me tell my Dad. It's kinda a relief, but he's acting weird and I really don't like that. :/ I have the first part down, I just have to start on the second part... Calling my doctor... :/

[Chy]

Hope you make that call....

[2jules7]

You can do it.
*hugs!*

[Hopefloats]

YES you can do it!!! Remember to have faith in yourself Anni.
I can relate to getting upset when someone says something to me that is hard to hear.
I am much, much better today, because when I look back I know that those things that sometimes sting are really what I needed to hear.
And I also remember that if others did not care they would not take time for us and they would not be honest with us. To me, honesty is a great signal of love.