....I don't know what to do anymore.

[annihilate_me]

I keep having thoughts of cutting myself. Lately they've gotten really bad. I just don't know what to do anymore. If I cut, then that will totally ruin everything that I have planned for the summer. If I tell my mom or dad that I am having these thoughts again, they'll make me go back to the psyche ward. If I tell my friends, they'll just tell me to stop.. If I go to my counselor he'll call my parents... It's just that nothing seems to stop the thoughts... I printed off some of the impulse controll logs, but I just get aggrivated filling them out and wind up tearing them all up... It's not only feeling of self injury, it's feelings of suicide. If I'm driving alone (which I don't do very often) I think of how it would feel to open the door and jump out of the car. It's gotten to the point that if I have a headache, I can't take anything for it because I think about overdosing on it. When I'm cooking I want to put my hand on the heat source. I had to move my bed away from the window because I keeping thinking about what it would be like to jump out of it..... I've even thought about drinking so much water I drown myself........... I just don't know what to do. I was on meds for Bi-polar disorder, but when I quit them, I was fine and everything was ok. Now after a year of not taking them I feel horrible. I'm sure my parents can see the change, but why won't they say anything? I just don't know what to do... I just don't.... What is there to do?

[Done-With-It!]

If I cut, then that will totally ruin everything that I have planned for the summer.

If you cut you end up back in the hospital? Is that what your saying?
Or if not, why and what would it ruin?

If you don't get yourself some help and you die, it's going to ruin more plans
than just next summer.

I was on meds for Bi-polar disorder, but when I quit them, I was fine and everything was ok. Now after a year of not taking them I feel horrible. I'm sure my parents can see the change, but why won't they say anything? I just don't know what to do... I just don't.... What is there to do?

If your car gets a flat tire would you keep on driving it and say well I just
got it fixed or patched last year it should be fine. Drive on three wheels long enough you are going to end up in some ditch or someplace worse.

You gave yourself your own answer right up there. You are bipolar and you quit taking your meds..... A year later or less than your ready to jump out of a moving car, od, drown yourself, etc.
So what is stopping you from getting back on your meds? Your parents cannot read your mind, you are putting on them that they should know how you feel and fix it without communicating to them.
One minute you say you won't tell your parents because they'll make you go back to the pysche ward and by the end of the minute you are saying my parents won't help me, why not?

Self harm and being suicidal are very different, your in a place where you do need some help and you need to talk to someone else to help you start feeling better.
I'm not sure what it is about the pysche ward it is that makes you not want to go back, or maybe you don't even need to be in one, but whatever these feelings are those are things you should be telling your parents/therapist.
I can tell you though if you stand up and try and help yourself as hard as you can, make a plan, talk to the people you need to, etc. you might not have to go in-patient. If they can see that your are really trying.
However on the other hand, if you continue to go down the path you are going and hiding how you are feeling, these thoughts, etc. it's probably going to come out sooner or later and then it's going to look like you are not capable of helping yourself, but rather you are a danger to yourself,
and that's when the choices they have become limited and putting you in-patient or in a pyche ward seem like the only option until you can help yourself again.

I have been in places like you are now and they are the worst, and I completely get how you think and want someone else to know something is wrong with you,
come help you, fix it, etc. Especially your parents. But it doesn't always work like that unfortunately. I think when I was in Highs School I did or tried just about everything to get someone to notice that I wasn't Okay, and hoped they would come and fix me. But people and parents don't like to see when you are not okay, so many times they won't see the most obvious things, or they just don't know what to do.

Please really think about telling your parents what is going on, or your therapist or someone. If you can't even trust yourself to take a pill for a headache then you really need help to get out of this place. And who knows it could be something as easy as getting you back on your meds.

Your never going to know if you don't do something about it though.
And cutting isn't going to take any of this away. The only thing that
will fix this is dealing with it.

I'm glad you posted, you keep trying and reaching out. Let us know
how you are and what's up, okay?

Hang in there sweetie, this too shall pass........

[Done-With-It!]

Hey you

How are you doing?
Feeling any better at all?
Have you talked to anyone?
Check in when you can okay?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE READ THIS FIRST

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain. I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this. I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad. Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes. Start by considering this statement: “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.” That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could. Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain. When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources. You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible. Now I want to tell you five things to think about. 1 You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope. 2 Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you. 3 People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead. 4 Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you. But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try: Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S. Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999 Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line Call a psychotherapist Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance. 5 Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet. Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad. Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain. Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It’s time to start looking around for one of them. Now: I’d like you to call someone. And while you’re at it, you can still stay with me for a bit. Check out these sources of online help. Additional things to read at this site: How serious is our condition? ...“he only took 15 pills, he wasn’t really serious...” if others are making you feel like you’re just trying to get attention... read this. Why is it so hard for us to recover from being suicidal? ...while most suicidal people recover and go on, others struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings for months or even years. Suicide and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Recovery from grief and loss ...has anyone significant in your life recently died? You would be in good company... many suicidal people have recently suffered a loss. The stigma of suicide that prevents suicidal people from recovering: we are not only fighting our own pain, but the pain that others inflict on us... and that we ourselves add to. Stigma is a huge complicating factor in suicidal feelings. Resources about depression ...if you are suicidal, you are most likely experiencing some form of depression. This is good news, because depression can be treated, helping you feel better. Do you know someone who is suicidal... or would you like to be able to help, if the situation arises? Learn what to do, so that you can make the situation better, not worse. Handling a call from a suicidal person ...a very helpful ten-point list that you can print out and keep near your phone or computer. What can I do to help someone who may be suicidal? ...a helpful guide, includes Suicide Warning Signs. Other online sources of help: The Samaritans - trained volunteers are available 24 hours a day to listen and provide emotional support. You can call a volunteer on the phone, or e-mail them. Confidential and non-judgmental. Short of writing to a psychotherapist, the best source of online help. Talk to a therapist online - Read this page to find out how. Depression support group online: Walkers in Darkness - Please note: this is a very big group, but amidst all the chatter (and occasional bickering), it is possible to find someone who will hear you and offer support. Psych Central has a good listing of online resources for suicide and other mental health needs. Still feel bad? These jokes might relieve the pressure for a minute or two. If you want help finding a human being to talk with in person, who can help you live through this, try reading this article about how to Choose a Competent Counselor. Sometimes people need additional private help before they are ready to talk with someone in person. Here are three books you could read on your own in private. I know from personal experience that each one has helped someone like you. Suicide: The Forever Decision by Paul G. Quinnett, PhD (Continuum, 1989, $8.95, ISBN 0-8264-0391-3). Frank and helpful conversation with a therapist who cares. Order the book Choosing to Live: how to defeat suicide through cognitive therapy by Thomas E. Ellis PsyD and Cory F. Newman PhD (New Harbinger Publications, 1996, $12.95, ISBN 1-57224-056-3). Another conversational book with practical help for suicidal persons. Order the book How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose Blauner (William Morrow, 2002, $17.47, ISBN 0066211212). A very practical survival guide by an actual survivor. Order the book I make no profit whatever on the books. Every penny received is given to The Samaritans to support their lifesaving work. The volunteers give generously of themselves, but it costs them money to continue operating and saving lives - money for facilities, phones and computers. Money is a reality. They need it; we give it. Sending them this small donation is our way of thanking them and helping them continue to help others. If you would like to know where the money goes, visit the Samaritans website. If you prefer not to make a donation to the Samaritans, take the book information above to your local bookstore and order the books there instead. If you would like to make a donation directly to the Samaritans, click here. Out of the Nightmare: Recovery From Depression And Suicidal Pain, by David L. Conroy, PhD (Authors Choice Press, 2006, ISBN 0595414974). As if suicidal persons weren't feeling bad enough already, our thoughtless attitudes can cause them to feel guilt and shame, and keep them from getting help in time. Dr. Conroy blasts apart the myths of suicide, and looks at suicidal feelings from the inside, in a down to earth, non-judgmental way. This is a book that will save lives by washing away the stigma of suicide and opening the door to a real way out of the nightmare. More info and reviews Would you like to print out this page? Here is a plain black-on-white version that should print more easily.

This page is provided as a public service by Metanoia, and is dedicated with gratitude to David Conroy, Ph.D. whose work inspired it. Metanoia cannot provide counseling to suicidal persons. If you need help please use the resources outlined above.
© Copyright 1995-2006 Martha Ainsworth. All rights reserved. Reprints: Please feel free to link to this page. Please do not reproduce this page on the Internet; you may link to it instead. You may reproduce this page in print media for non-commercial, non-profit use only, if you meet the following three conditions: (1) you must use the full text without alteration up to and including the words "Now: I’d like you to call someone."; (2) please consider making a donation to The Samaritans (see above); and (3) you must print the following notice verbatim: "Reprinted with permission. Suicide: Read This First (http://www.metanoia.org/suicide) was written by Martha Ainsworth based on work by David Conroy, Ph.D. To talk with a caring listener about your suicidal feelings, in the U.S. call 1-800-SUICIDE any time, day or night. Online, send an anonymous e-mail to jo@samaritans.org for confidential and non-judgmental help, or visit http://www.samaritans.org."

Hosted as a community service by Mental Health Information at Psych Central

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

[Done-With-It!]

[purrdy]

Hey jsut popping in to see how you are doing.....thinking of you..XX

[Chy]

Done can you sticky that somewhere?

The only thing you can do right now is ask/tell someone that you need help and are in trouble. No one will guess it for you. Call your counselor now, let her help you, you deserve to be happy.

[Velvet]

Wow, what great info Miss Done has for you! Chy is right, no one can guess what you are feeling. Talk to a counselor at school. That's part of their job, to help you with "you", it's not all about school, you know.....
I hope you get someone to listen and check back in with us, often.

[purrdy]

yep check in when you can!..love purrdsxx

[annihilate_me]

Ok, so I am checking in.... I know this is dissapointing, and it's probably irratating to you all that replied to my post, but I must tell you that I still haven't done anything about it. I'm still feeling extremely horrible especially when I should be feeling excited for school to be out. For the past week, it's been so hard to get out of bed and to get going about my day. I know, I need help, but I am just so damn scared to tell my parents. I'm afraid of what their reaction will be, and how they'll go about doing something.... I'm just a failure...

[purrdy]

it seems to me that you want help but do not want to help yourself. This is a dangerous place to be and an uncomfortable space for you to live in. you are much a failure as you choose to be

You know that you are going to get some sort of reaction from your parents, you have here too..so what do you want to do about it?


will you continue on this destructive path? or choose another?.......


when i was 16 i was out on the streets, i was doing gas and glue and anything else that would send me off my face...i had no parents, no freinds and no hope...i hated myself so much

i hung out with my brother, we dossed about in church yards getting high....each time we inhaled the gas or did glue there was no telling if we would ever recover...it was a game of russian roulette.....


i did eventually get my life together..when i was ready...


i hope that you are ready soon...because you might just be running out of time....

[annihilate_me]

Originally Posted by purrdy

it seems to me that you want help but do not want to help yourself. This is a dangerous place to be and an uncomfortable space for you to live in. you are much a failure as you choose to be

You know that you are going to get some sort of reaction from your parents, you have here too..so what do you want to do about it?

will you continue on this destructive path? or choose another?.......

i hope that you are ready soon...because you might just be running out of time....

I do want help, and I know I need it. And in a sense, I know I'm not doing anything to help myself, but I fear the reaction of my parents will be much greater then the help I'd (I'll) recieve from them. They over-react about everything... What if they say that they're done helping me? What if they put me back in rehab? Rehab didn't work the previous times, would it work now? I just can bring myself to tell them. I'd lose their trust, and if that happens I know for a fact that I couldn't handle myself.........

[Velvet]

What would you chose, losing your parents trust or losing your life? I'd think again about reaching out for their help. They must sense something is wrong. Maybe they are wanting to help but are waiting for you to come forward.

[suicidal_hate]

annihilate_me, it's important that you get help for the emotions that you are feeling. I know it's extremely difficult. Please consider things like you're friends, family, and even pets. All of these people are affected by what you are feeling. They are affected even thought you don't think they are. Get help, Please.
XXX Hate.

[purrdy]

Originally Posted by annihilate_me

I do want help, and I know I need it. And in a sense, I know I'm not doing anything to help myself, but I fear the reaction of my parents will be much greater then the help I'd (I'll) recieve from them. They over-react about everything... What if they say that they're done helping me? What if they put me back in rehab? Rehab didn't work the previous times, would it work now? I just can bring myself to tell them. I'd lose their trust, and if that happens I know for a fact that I couldn't handle myself.........

sweet heart I am a parent of two teenaged boys, and beleive me i would admire and respect them if they asked for help....

I had to ask for help at the age of 35! i had to trust someone! jsut happened to be my hubby! who of course knew about my drinking escapades! ( i am a recovering alcoholic)....

i was scared too!..that kind of fear never really goes... i knew that if i didnt stop i was going to die......


i had made it through the worst childhood and got a life together with kids of my own...and now i was slowly huring me ALL OVER AGAIN!!..not only that i was hurting the others around me too....


i get the feeling that your parents LOVE YOU VERY VERY MUCH! and of course when parents love you they will do anything...anything it takes to make it ok for their kids......

i am suggesting again that you approach your parents .....ask for help....


if its not a rude Q how old are you?...is there a teacher or councellor you can talk to..... in confidence?


pm any one of us here...we are here to help...if we can...

love purrdsxxxxxxxxx

[icthus77]

hello annihilate me

first let me tell u that u r NOT a failure and dont let any one tell u otherwise. and trust me i totally understan why u r afraid to tell your parents. u r not alone in your feelings of pain and fear and those feelings r totally normal. If your parents give up on u then they will have to answer for that one day however the most important thing is to not give up on yourself. take all the strength u have and hold on to it an let no one and i mean NO one take it from u. realize that you r normal and we have all felt this way in one form or the other. i am here if u want to talk and sort things out. take care and my prayers and love are with u always

[siren_99]

What if they put me back in rehab? Rehab didn't work the previous times, would it work now?

most things concerning some sort of rehab is that you have to really really want to get better and change your ways.it might not have worked before because you might not have truely wanted to get better.so overall tell someone and you've survived rehab before but if you go this time try to want ot get better and talk to people about it k?

[purrdy]

Heeeey!..so how is it going?..check in.....soon..thinking of you and hoping things are positive for you..

[Chy]

You are not a failure!! It takes some of us longer then others to be ready to ask for help, that was true for me in my drinking. Took me 23 years!! Please don't wait as long as I did with your issues as it's just not worth all those years of pain. Hang on.

[annihilate_me]

So here I am, once again checking in with you guys. I have to say that I managed to get out of my 'slump', not with meds or telling my parents but I just waited it out. I also did it with out injuring myself.

[Done-With-It!]

Originally Posted by annihilate_me

So here I am, once again checking in with you guys. I have to say that I managed to get out of my 'slump', not with meds or telling my parents but I just waited it out. I also did it with out injuring myself.

YOU ARE AMAZING
REALLY THAT IS SO GREAT
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU