Hopeless

[2jules7]

Everything is far from hopeful. Never in my life have I drank or smoked so much before. I cant sleep and eating has to be forced. Last night my mom and I got in a huge fight, she threatened to 'lock me out of the house' (another first) but I was so strung out that I didnt even care. Ive been talking to Britts mom a lot and she's trying to help me, but I cant be helped. Its like im locked inside of this mindset where there is no way out. I wanted to try, but the harder I try the farther I get, so I gave up trying and now im even worse than before. Tonight im probably going to go out again and because I have to stay up all night anyway (to work graveyards on Friday and Saturday) I figure what the hell.
I dont know the purpose of this thread. I just needed to get these thoughts off my mind so maybe I could make sense of what im doing to myself, but even then I guess it wont help. Nothing makes sense anymore, except for the fact that I need to drink and get high all night, every night.

[Done-With-It!]

Girl, you are breaking my heart, and I know that does not help to here. I don't know what to do to help you get out of this horrible place your keep sinking into. It's been years now and it keeps getting worse. I see this need to destroy yourself so twined into your Dad and it reminds me of myself so much. I wish I could help you out of it in a different way.

I'm glad you are talking to Britt's mom, if you ever want to meet in chat, let me know or you can let Chy know if I'm not around, and she can get ahold of me, I'll meet you anytime....... I'm here for you sister!!!! I love you girl!!!

[2jules7]

Thanks, Done.
I use to think it was my dad as well, but now, now I have no idea what it is. I cant think beneath the outer shell as to why I feel the need to do this. Its like I know theres something wrong, but my mind wont allow me to thing any further than that. Does that make sense? So if I cant even think about it then how the heck am I suppose to even do something about it?
Its just hard talking to Britts mom sometimes. Dont get me wrong, I love her to death, but we come from two different religious aspects and sometimes... its just hard to talk about things.
I dont know how to talk about it, how i've even got this much out is beyond me. I dont know what to do, but I know that things are getting out of control and im not sure if I want to do anything about it.

[Bryson]

Sometimes I think it's the little things that save us. I mean for me it's my dog, though I haven't been with Fritz for a while, I thought about my dog A LOT when I was in my foster home (where I still am obviously, but where the hell else is my dog gonna go now?). Kind of a like an anchor. There's something keeping you around Jules, some sort of anchor, you don't know what it is yet I guess and neither do I but I guess sometimes I find it reassuring that I'm not dead yet and "God" or whatever else controls the universe hasn't shoved you off the planet yet. What's that stupid saying that we all hate? Oh yeah, everything happens for a reason. We hate to hear it, but it's true, I'm struggling to figure it out right now too believe me, but there is a chance that we will figure it out sooner or later. I know where you are in the "I don't know how to talk about it" aspect. I'm right there with you. I guess what I do is that if I get in that mood, where I'm just busting and I need to tell someone just the tiniest bit of information or just SOMETHING, then I don't let myself stop. Whether I be talking normally or screaming/yelling/shouting while speaking my mind, I don't let myself stop until I feel like there's nothing else on my mind, there is just nothing left to say. I know if I hold back it's never going to go anywhere...

[2jules7]

Thanks Bryson.
I understand what you mean. Ive always had my cats there for me where you've had your dog. Theyve been there with me through everything right after my parents got divorced. But my main thing as an anchor are my nieces and nephews. Theyve always been what i've held on just a little bit longer for, but now that they're getting older I think they would just be better off without me.
When it comes to talking, I cant do it. I noticed this a few months ago- that whenever im in a situation where I should say something, I just cant. My mind freezes and just wont allow me to speak. I cant explain how it works, but it does... or doesnt depending on how you look at it. Not holding back though, that seems like a very good way to get things out.

[Bryson]

Is there anyway that if you hint at it enough and they ask YOU first about things (instead of you taking the first step) that you'd talk? For me, I was too afraid to actually initiate any sort of talking and I waited and hinted and waited some more until they said something first...and then I just kind of exploded. It's not a good way to go about it really, but it seemed to be something that worked...something is better than nothing I guess. I dunno.

[Chy]

but now that they're getting older I think they would just be better off without me.

(((Jules))) I want you to think about that statement very hard. I also want you to think about what Bryson has just gone through and I want you to see if you can piece the sense of that together okay?

Sweety it's time to get some help with these thoughts. It's a terrible place staying stuck in our own minds, was just having this same conversation with Bry as well, I know it's so hard reaching out for help. It's so hard to talk to another about these things. But sometimes it's the only thing we have left and the only choice.

I know I couldn't bear loosing you here, you are part of the foundation that keeps this place going, I see people behind the scenes reading your posts all the time and though there is few that reply here many are reading! So if you didn't know it you are helping someone each day. Now it's time to help yourself.

[Chy]

Here's something written by a friend of mine who writes for this blog for me, what I hope you'll get out of it most is that you are not alone. Though it may be unrelated in the disorder to what you are going through there are more similarities then differences.

Fix My Anxiety Blog Archive Anxiety Disorder – When Nobody Understands

[Chy]

From my Depression Blog...
Best Treatments For Depression and Anxiety | StopDepression.info

[Hopefloats]

((((((Jules)))))))))

[Done-With-It!]

Originally Posted by 2jules7

Thanks, Done.
Its like I know theres something wrong, but my mind wont allow me to thing any further than that. Does that make sense? So if I cant even think about it then how the heck am I suppose to even do something about it?
.

I think that all the things you are doing to yourself end up getting you to this point a little more. That is how it was for me anyway.

I agree with Chy though you need to get help you've been trying for so long to help yourself and it hasn't been working the way you are doing it. We end up doing things to survive in the world the best way we know how.

I don't know but maybe you got tired of feeling/dealing with the pain that you were feeling, or wanting to die, but not really, and without knowing how to fix it or make it better you adjust in a different way.

Everything you are feeling right now is real, I'm just going to ask you to remember that your brain is not the healthiest right now, so when you start thinking things like people would be better off, or any of the other self destructive thoughts, it's not true, and give yourself some time.


I still have to remind myself some days that my thinking is off sometimes, some days, even recently when it feels like everyone and their great aunt's dog want something from me, it can make me feel a bit destructive.
I always try and remind myself that we really have to be patient with ourselves.

Your going to get through this Jules, I promise just keep fighting for yourself, we are still standing by your side and will as long as it takes.......
You are worth the fight....... Don't give up..

Love You Girl!!

[2jules7]

Bryson - I totally get what you mean, I use to do that all the time too. Its not really a good way, but at least something came out of it. I dont know how I would do that now though, because I dont know whats wrong. I mean I know there is something- but thats all. I dont know how it would even be fixable.

Chy - Im going to read those blogs here next. Its like im not meant to get help though, something always comes up. My great-grandpa passed away today. I really looked up to him even though I hardly knew the guy. But its like every time I think I just might get the courage to say something and get the help- I just cant. And I know now, that I cant stop what im doing. Im surrounded by people who love these things just as much as I do and theres no way they are going to stop any time soon and I cant just stop hanging out with them again, i'll definitely get worse.

Done - I think you're right. I did just get sick of dealing with it that I turned to other things. I dont cut hardly as much anymore, because everything else that I do is social now, so it didnt seem as bad until I became doing it all the time. Or until I felt the need to drink or get high at least once a day.

I just dont see a point to life- at all. You work to live, and live to work. Sure there are those moments of fun, but it all comes down to the same thing. Everyone ends up the same way. So why bother dealing with all of this when, again, it wont matter in the end. Im really sorry for being so bitter and selfish, I just dont know what to do. I know I need to let go, but I just dont see how i'd be able to do it.

[2jules7]

Reading through the different blogs Chy posted and what not, really makes me want to go in an get help. But I also see just how scared I am- to have to let go of everything. I cant believe im admitting it, how scared I am. Ever since I first became this way all I ever imagined I would be was an alcoholic/ drug addict. Thats all i've ever wanted to be. Im not completely scared of giving that up, but for people finding out just how ****ed up I really am. I dont know how to go in and talk to someone or even where to go and then to be able to hide it. It just seems like too much. Maybe I should just stay like this forever- it'll have to end sometime.

[Bryson]

((Jules)) - You can get help. It's hard, but after you get started things just kind of come out because yeah, it might not feel "good" but you WILL feel a relief of some sort...

[2jules7]

I dont know how I can get help when I have no idea whats wrong with me. I cant even tell you why I feel the need to do things to screw with my mind anymore. Im just so confused.

[Chy]

I think the hardest and scariest thing I ever did was ask for help Jules, but eventually I did and been in recovery over 7 years now, I took that step and only regret I have is not doing it sooner.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa, one whammy after another it seems many are going through these days.

[2jules7]

I looked some stuff up and i got a phone number for a place I might be able to go to. I just can't decide if I want to do it secretly or if I should tell my mom about it. I'm too afraid to make the call myself. I don't think anyone would believe me anyway, and i don't blame them. How could you believe someone who claims to be suicidal or whatever else when they are constantly smiling and laughing? I hate myself for being able to naturaly wake up and be able to put on a fake image for everyone.
I haven't smoked pot in a few days and it's killing me, so I turned back to cutting. I don't want to post triggering things, bit it's never hurt this bad before. I know I need outside help this time, but I can't bring myself to get it. I don't think I can let go of all this.

[Done-With-It!]

I always had a smile on my face Jules. They'll believe you.

Many of the people who end up really hurting themselves leave no clues
to anyone, they appear to be the happiest of people.

As to your Mom, do what feels right, but just get some help, this is your life and
you are most important. I would suggest telling your Mom if you can be honest
with her and tell her how you really feel.

[2jules7]

Question: I might be going in to the doctor for something else, if I ask him about all this will he be able to do anything? I dont want to go in and look dumb for asking- I mean what can he do but tell me to go talk to someone more professional, ya know?

[annihilate_me]

Oh Juju Bug! I really dislike hearing of this, mainly because you have helped me through so much and you always bring light to my life. The rough terrain is only there for so long and then the flat golden plains will soon emerge. Eventually living life so hastily will get boring and you'll have to seek out other thrills to keep your interest in life alive.

I want the best for you! I love you dearly and I'm sorry I can't be of much help. :(

BIG HUGS!